Kevin.Life.Update(fDeltaTime);

So I have tons to talk about and I apologize for neglecting you my sweet sweet Tumblr and followers. So on the agenda for this post (not in order) is my on-site interview with an awesome game company, the impending release of Scott Pilgrim vs The World, and just general life.
So let me start with life! Life after college has been quite sssslowwwwwwwww. I’ve found myself sleeping in too late and just staring into space for a while. I’ve been trying to busy myself with working on side projects, researching new stuff, and applying to jobs. <-This really hasn’t picked up pace until this week.
My TWITTER life on the other hand is booming. I’ve been meeting quite a load of new people and overall just enjoying the experience that Twitter brings me. It’s been pretty awesome, Scott Pilgrim fans really know how to band together.
LAST WEEK ON THE OTHER HAND: Was pretty awesome, I hung out with people I never really had time to hang out with while in school. It was a nice kinda beginning of summer and end of school week. Earlier in the week I had received news that I was to fly out to a game development studio for an on-site interview and I was just over all ecstatic.
The interview went well I think. I had a few bumps here and there that really threw me off my axis but all in all I think I preformed pretty well. I’m not really at liberty to say what exactly happened there but just know that all of it was pretty awesome and it’d be an honor to work with these guys.
SOOOOO, THAT HAPPENED and then I flew back to FL to hang out at Kai Ting’s house for two days while I played the CRAP out of Scott Pilgrim vs The World: The Game. I must say, I haven’t been addicted to a game in quite sometime. This game isn’t even revolutionary it’s just such an amazing fan game that I can’t put it down. Co-op mode is probably the most fun though, there is so much replay factor in it when you have three other buddies playing as Sex Bob-omb and Ramona. I recommend it to anyone who is a fan of the series or wants to play a fun beat-em-up with friends.
The Scott Pilgrim Original Score and soundtrack remind me of a simpler time back in the high school days were me and someone I once cared about could just take long walks and forget everything. It really is a pretty strong soundtrack to me and it reminds me of time long gone but just still recently experienced. My life is flashing before me unfortunately. I hope it mellows out soon. I really want to go back to New York and visit all my friends again and just ya know, exist for a bit.
Impending awesome is just around the corner! I can’t believe that FOUR weeks ago I saw the pre-screening of Scott Pilgrim vs The World. Time really flies these days I guess…but yet so slow. I am giddy as a japanese school girl right now thinking about how amazing this movie was and how I get to watch it again! I really can’t wait for tonight. I get to meet up with my friends, have fun, watch and amazing movie, and just for a little…exist without a goal. Just enjoy myself and life. I’ve been applying to jobs a LOT lately and I already swore to myself that I am going to work on Bioshock 3 (now titled Infinite) so I need to break out the Unreal guides and start busting ass on both applying and learning.
It is so TOTALLY ON!

Life taking is taking the form of a sine wave...

I’m sitting here at 2:17am coming from working on my game eating the usual college dinner thinking “God, why am I so shitty? Why am I so bad at EVERYTHING!?”. Exaggerated? Maybe, but that is definitely my mindset right now.

I’ve had quite the last week and a half to say the least. Last week I was pulled back home to New York to help mend my family and get everything back in to one piece. Funny how that works out, the same boy who swore his family away and wanted nothing to do with them is now fighting to keep everything together. In the last few months I’ve grown closer to my family and have been warming up to the concept of accepting them. I really owe it to my mother, she has been holding my life together for so long now that I need to do my BEST for her in everything I do. So coming home to make her life easier, however detrimental it was for me and my work, was a no brainer.

Back on topic though, today I got an offer to take a programming test for quite the amazing game development studio. Instead of getting happy though, I panic and start thinking about how inadequate I am, how I am gonna bomb this test, and how I need to stress out about studying because I don’t know anything. It’s odd really, because I am confident in my own abilities and I know I am pretty good at what I do (I will never admit this in person) but for some reason I feel like I’m just incompetent when something important comes by.

This isn’t just programming though this is with everything.

I’ve said before I feel like a bad person. I truly feel like I am a bad person and maybe that’s because of my nature to constantly want to be the best and be disappointed when I am not. It’s not a competitive thing it’s just if I am capable of being something why not do it and do it to it’s maximum potential?
With programming it’s people who get super in-depth with architecture and low level stuff that really make me feel like I know nothing. I was near scared shitless about this test until I had a buddy of mine tell me how it was kinda like. (He couldn’t say much of course)

And as a person, well. An old friend of mine seems kinda down (from what I can tell) about some stuff they’ve been going through and said person even talked about re-vamping and improving. This is the same person I think is a perfect role-model for being an amazing Human. So if she’s feeling that way and I am nowhere near close to that.

Stuff like this kinda gets me down. Especially when I look at my past. I am not a good person, I’ve done shitty things, and I am not GOOD at things.

But despite all this there is that part of me that ignores that and just keeps on trucking. Keeps learning, revamping, improving, and growing. So even though I feel down about who I am and what I can do I WANT to do better.

I want to be better.

I’m kinda stuck in limbo on that. It’s a constant tug-o-war. Maybe it’s the stress of turning our gold build next Monday. Two whole years of hard work have come down to this. I’ve got half a week to panic, half a week to improve this game, and half a week to show people what I’m worth.

No biggie? Right?

When it rains...it pours.

It’s funny really, I was working in the studio stressed as it was and I got a phone call. I remember mumbling, “Already? Can I just get one second of work in?”. I had been quite busy all day answering questions doing the whole “Art Lesion” thing.
I went and answered the phone and moved over to the windows. I remember looking at the down pour and thinking “Man, it’s so fitting for things to go wrong today.” Unfortunately I was spot on, things did go wrong…and then they got worse.
I was pummeled, hammered almost, with tasks and requirements that made my already overwhelming tasks that much more stressful. I keep remembering in the back of my head though “I’ve done more with less, I can make this work. I am capable of it” but for some reason it didn’t translate to my actions. I broke down, I got angry, and I got sad. Something I’ve been doing a lot more of lately and is a characteristic I don’t really like. It’s something I’ve got to work past and overcome.
These issues though all precede the phone call I received. I have next week “off” from school but I was still planning to crunch for Gold turn in. I never planned on flying back to New York but after this phone call I knew I had to. Enough had happened that I knew I needed to be home with my family. I wanted to resist it, I wanted my family to keep strong without me, but after hearing my mothers voice today I realized I couldn’t anymore.
I won’t get into the specifics but this has been an issue that has been eating away at the foundation of my family for months. Divorces are never nice and it’s always more than the two parties involved that get hurt. Unfortunately for me and mine one of ours became a casualty who was caught in the cross fire.
I’ve made it clear that I am not coming back for pleasure and I am indeed still focused on my project’s gold milestone. My family is my priority though, they need me now and that’s all that matters.
I just wish the timing wasn’t as bad as it is. It’s time to clutch it, I hope I can do it all and not break down from the stress. GG ME :|

Changing time with an atom bomb...

This is probably one of my favorite quotes...

“Most believe that what’s done is done; you cannot change fate, no matter how hard you try. And those who challenge what is destined will always be met with disappointment, for fate has a way of charting its own course. But before one surrenders to the hands of destiny, one might consider the power of the human spirit, and the force that lies in one’s own free will”

                                                                                               -Michael Emerson

Inspiration...

Early in my life I was prone to ignore what was the norm for people. I always thought of myself as someone to whom the rules don’t apply. I was wrong. (we’ll get on that at another time) Influences and people I looked up to were one of those things I rejected. I never believed in someone else and I never looked up to someone else for motivation. (Obviously I was young and naive)
Today I spoke to an old friend about some exciting new changes in her life. She spoke of all the amazing things that may be coming and the outstanding things that she is doing with her life. I am left near speechless just reading the things she has devoted her time to. I always try my best to help people out but I am not ACTIVE in helping out others. I don’t go out of my way to do it. She does, she has done so much in giving back to the community and our youth. She really is someone to look up to as an inspiration to do better. She’s an example to lead by.
I always think that people are inherently good. I’ve been proved wrong many times but I always continue on with that thought because I knew there was someone out there that would prove me right.
I think I’ve found that one person. There is a shining light in the darkness. Lets hope I can find more like her to make that light brighter.

Why do I feel like it’s always on me to save the day?

I’ve noticed this trend with me. Maybe it’s because I was never a leader type back in my childhood. Nobody trusted me and nobody believed in me. Now here in FS people do and maybe I feel too much like it’s my obligation to do everything for everyone. To be THAT guy. I kinda stuck in limbo about how I feel about it too. I guess this is #oneaday right?

Day.Better()

So today started out horrible. I woke up after little to no sleep all grumpy like still feeling miserable. Our team had a meeting with Rob Coble the Career Development Industry Outreach Manager. He enlightened us on the resume building process and touched up on networking (a subject I happen to like).

Afterwords I got a text from my roommate notifying me that my electricity had gotten cut. This is a cause of an on going falling out between my two parents. Awesome, right? So on top of all of the crap this week I had that hit me. But things quickly got better as I was given a deadline. I work amazing under pressure so this was a blessing in disguise. I swiftly finished my task for my deadline and instantly felt better.

Soon afterward I met up with someone who I generally enjoy being with. This made me infinitely more happy as I went on to dinner. After dinner I came back and saw this person again just to get another dose of awesome.

Amazingly right after I got a text confirming that all of my issues this past week have been resolved and life can return to normal. It's like all of the weights on my back were suddenly lifted and I could work to my potential again.

Watch out final project, I'm back.