Life taking is taking the form of a sine wave...

I’m sitting here at 2:17am coming from working on my game eating the usual college dinner thinking “God, why am I so shitty? Why am I so bad at EVERYTHING!?”. Exaggerated? Maybe, but that is definitely my mindset right now.

I’ve had quite the last week and a half to say the least. Last week I was pulled back home to New York to help mend my family and get everything back in to one piece. Funny how that works out, the same boy who swore his family away and wanted nothing to do with them is now fighting to keep everything together. In the last few months I’ve grown closer to my family and have been warming up to the concept of accepting them. I really owe it to my mother, she has been holding my life together for so long now that I need to do my BEST for her in everything I do. So coming home to make her life easier, however detrimental it was for me and my work, was a no brainer.

Back on topic though, today I got an offer to take a programming test for quite the amazing game development studio. Instead of getting happy though, I panic and start thinking about how inadequate I am, how I am gonna bomb this test, and how I need to stress out about studying because I don’t know anything. It’s odd really, because I am confident in my own abilities and I know I am pretty good at what I do (I will never admit this in person) but for some reason I feel like I’m just incompetent when something important comes by.

This isn’t just programming though this is with everything.

I’ve said before I feel like a bad person. I truly feel like I am a bad person and maybe that’s because of my nature to constantly want to be the best and be disappointed when I am not. It’s not a competitive thing it’s just if I am capable of being something why not do it and do it to it’s maximum potential?
With programming it’s people who get super in-depth with architecture and low level stuff that really make me feel like I know nothing. I was near scared shitless about this test until I had a buddy of mine tell me how it was kinda like. (He couldn’t say much of course)

And as a person, well. An old friend of mine seems kinda down (from what I can tell) about some stuff they’ve been going through and said person even talked about re-vamping and improving. This is the same person I think is a perfect role-model for being an amazing Human. So if she’s feeling that way and I am nowhere near close to that.

Stuff like this kinda gets me down. Especially when I look at my past. I am not a good person, I’ve done shitty things, and I am not GOOD at things.

But despite all this there is that part of me that ignores that and just keeps on trucking. Keeps learning, revamping, improving, and growing. So even though I feel down about who I am and what I can do I WANT to do better.

I want to be better.

I’m kinda stuck in limbo on that. It’s a constant tug-o-war. Maybe it’s the stress of turning our gold build next Monday. Two whole years of hard work have come down to this. I’ve got half a week to panic, half a week to improve this game, and half a week to show people what I’m worth.

No biggie? Right?

When it rains...it pours.

It’s funny really, I was working in the studio stressed as it was and I got a phone call. I remember mumbling, “Already? Can I just get one second of work in?”. I had been quite busy all day answering questions doing the whole “Art Lesion” thing.
I went and answered the phone and moved over to the windows. I remember looking at the down pour and thinking “Man, it’s so fitting for things to go wrong today.” Unfortunately I was spot on, things did go wrong…and then they got worse.
I was pummeled, hammered almost, with tasks and requirements that made my already overwhelming tasks that much more stressful. I keep remembering in the back of my head though “I’ve done more with less, I can make this work. I am capable of it” but for some reason it didn’t translate to my actions. I broke down, I got angry, and I got sad. Something I’ve been doing a lot more of lately and is a characteristic I don’t really like. It’s something I’ve got to work past and overcome.
These issues though all precede the phone call I received. I have next week “off” from school but I was still planning to crunch for Gold turn in. I never planned on flying back to New York but after this phone call I knew I had to. Enough had happened that I knew I needed to be home with my family. I wanted to resist it, I wanted my family to keep strong without me, but after hearing my mothers voice today I realized I couldn’t anymore.
I won’t get into the specifics but this has been an issue that has been eating away at the foundation of my family for months. Divorces are never nice and it’s always more than the two parties involved that get hurt. Unfortunately for me and mine one of ours became a casualty who was caught in the cross fire.
I’ve made it clear that I am not coming back for pleasure and I am indeed still focused on my project’s gold milestone. My family is my priority though, they need me now and that’s all that matters.
I just wish the timing wasn’t as bad as it is. It’s time to clutch it, I hope I can do it all and not break down from the stress. GG ME :|